If Only We Screened Out These Idiots...

Parents who leash their kids should be punched until bloody. It just encourages you, the parent, to be a lazy fuck and not watch your kid. Do you really need both your hands free to dig through sweaters at Old Navy while chatting with your best friend Missy on your Blackberry?

Fire It Up - Fire It Up

Look, I know you over-compensate for your small penis with your super tricked-out Civic with the loud ass muffler or your shiny red gay-ass Sebring convertible, but please don't roar your penis mobile at me because you think I'm attractive. It's not going to make me want to get inside your fake penis or let you put your real penis inside me. That is all.

Moley moley moley

You know what? If I had a big brown mole comparable to the size of Texas on my big, fat skull - I'd go ahead and not shave my head completely fucking bald!

Nice Wheels

Hey you, dude on the big, cool, shiny, motorized tricycle...











YOU LOOK LIKE A GIANT FUCKING PUSSY!!

Vrrooom vrrooom yeah I'm an oversized pre-schooler! Fuck yeah ladies love me!

Hey Laaaayyydies!

If you seriously want to go see Sex and the City 2, if you are legitimately excited about it, look deep inside yourself and reflect on why you're such a moron. What about needlessly overspending on clothing, food, and wine with my favorite saggy ladies do I not get? Maybe once I hit menopause I'll understand.

Burn Notice

The more you tan, the more of a dumb-fuck you are. Hooray skin cancer!

Your Kids Shouldn't Exist

I support government restrictions on breeding. Low IQ's, male pattern baldness, and lazy eyes need not apply.

Let's Talk About Sex Baby

Size matters. Ladies, this works in reverse - the bigger your vag, the worse it feels.

Gobble Gobble

I cruelly analyze shopping carts of people in the grocery store. I pass judgment even though the person just might be having a bad day. By all means, when you feel like shit, nothing relieves pain like Little Debbie snack cakes, Crisco, and jalepeno poppers! Fuck yeah, take that arteries!

Wriggle, Jiggle, Bitch Tits Wiggle

I laugh when I see fat guys jogging. You think the slapping boobicles hurt? I'm more sympathetic to the ladies though, cause even my small boobs hurt when I jog, so those bitches have balls, so to speak.